“Insidious is blind inception / What’s reality with all these questions / Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in / Broken legs but I chase perfection / These walls are my blank expression / My mind is a home I’m trapped in / And it’s lonely inside this mansion.” – NF feat. Fleurie, “Mansion”
Recently I’ve been trying to get back into doing projects, especially since my Pinterest is full of tons of unattempted inspiration that I’ve promised myself I would have completed by now. I didn’t realize how powerful a story was behind this piece until after it was done. Here it goes:
I had some blank DVD’s sitting around that I knew I wasn’t going to use anytime soon, and saw something similar to what I created on Pinterest. Some of them had blue hues on their flip sides and others had purple. So I decided to grab one of my blank canvases and paint it a coat of purple and looked at one the backsides of the DVD’s to find my reflection.
I started cutting them up knowing that my reflection wouldn’t be the same when I looked at myself in them again. I broke them, destroyed them, and tore them up releasing an unknown frustration inside me. I was cutting through a reflection of attempted perfection and attempts to try to keep everything together when I felt like falling apart. I saw myself trapped in that reflection and cutting it up gave me some form of freedom.
The project that inspired me to create this from Pinterest had each piece perfectly placed together with no spaces in between, but I didn’t want to do that. If I was going to piece together the broken pieces that I had seen myself in I wasn’t going to arrange the pieces together so perfectly only so they could fall apart again. We can only glue ourselves back together so much. Perfection leads to destruction, which is where I found myself after trying to achieve it. A beautiful life is not a perfect one and never will be.
Let’s face it – we are all going to fall apart at some point. I didn’t want the pieces to touch because if they connect again then they have the opportunity to break again. The way I arranged them makes them strong on their own – each piece is a battle, a strength, a weakness, a struggle, a feeling, a memory, a hardship.
This time when I look at myself through the separated pieces I can still see my reflection in them, but this time I know I’m stronger. No reflection is going to look perfect, and one that does isn’t real. I can see my whole self in this reflection – I’m one piece through the separation of others. I’m stronger because I’ve experienced pain, I’ve watched myself break, and I’ve felt some not-so-happy feelings.
This art piece was a realization of strength. It has a story within it, and represents more than sadness, defeat, or weakness. It represents my strengths and my ability to overcome the negativity in my life in order to make it truly beautiful.